BDSM

Well I am back in turmoil, I turned down the opertunity to follow through on my fantasy, but after trying with my wife just for a normal releationship in regards to affection alone sex a side I am stuck in limbo.
A while I have been trying to talk to her and get her to understand I don't just need sex all the time, I need the affection first that should go before it, how ever I have tried to understand and let her have her way and not push or even be seen to be pushing for cuddles or anything else, I have hit the wall.
I get the feeling now that she could go for the rest of her life with out ever giving or needing a cuddle again.
So as far as I go with sex I don't know it does happen but there is no feeling from her, it is like a chore for her and it has to be completed within a specified time or something.

Now that I have still got such strong feelings for what I yearn for in regards to my fantasies, I need to follow them through even more now.
I have stayed away in vain from my desires to stop myself but can not beat them back.
I have to do it to know. Then knowing might be the thing that forces me to stop just accepting my life the way it is.

I need to know, I will never do anything to hurt her but I am sick of hurting myself now, at my age!!

I have been up since 5.40am today and am just finishing of now.
When I went up to bed yesterday I watched a film which was called Trust a Man.
Well it brought things home to me in no uncertain terms that I was being silly I think even thinking I could go through with meeting another for some of my much anticipated fun.
The film was about a sex addict and his wife and her brother and his girl friend, the friend would not commit and the sex addict eventually lusted after another woman and slept with her.

The thing that brought it home to me was how it destroyed his life and releationship with his wife. Offcourse in a film it all turned out okay in the end but that is not how it would turn out for me and I was silly to think other wise to be honest.

Don't get me wrong I have very strong feelings but I think I would crack up if I got a taste for it and could not live with out it so it is possibly better not to try and loose everyone who is so dear to me..

I hope the lady in question will under stand but I know I have a good thing how ever much I do miss the sex I know I have to do the right thing by her and by me.

Common sense prevails wit hme yet again. How do I have to be so straight laced!!!!
Arse I am, now I am getting annoyed with myself for thinking like this but I know it is for me but its not really....

Well its been a long day today.
Been up since 6.00am. Things can only get better in a few days lol.

My mind has been wondering again today and also being probed by someone for my intimate thoughts however they have not been about my usual gutter press mind this time.
It has been a serious subject very close to my heart. Any way enough of that I don't want to be good and do the right thing anymore I want to do something for me and myself.

Time will tell I suppose how things will turn out over the space of the next few months. I might have a meet but things have went really quite on that front so I am thinking I may not have one after all for some reason. I think I may be ditched for a better model perhaps with no hang ups possibly. It is one of these things it would be great to happen but terrible if it was know widley with disatrous consiquences really for my life.

Listen to me rambling on. I tend to vist all differnet avenues and add things up and come up with the wrong answers. Which is not suprising as my maths is as good as my spelling!!!

What will be will be...
Deep down I want to have this fun but am really scared of the results it could go either way. I may want more and more and then again I may run a mile and think life is good as it is. (but it is not complete as it is)

I have tended to throw myself into my work again which is not healthy giving all these free hours to the company cause if I am here I am also thinking of work or plugging away at it in between reads of blogs.

Again I am worried but not sure what of!!!

Well its that Saturday feeling and still at work on the V day!! It can not be helped unfortunalety.

My mind is full of exciting things I could be doing with the right person / persons perhaps.
My mind is racing with strange feelings of other things just now other than just the constant submissive / domination lifestyles I would like to get into, but with some bi-curious thoughts are in there now after chatting with differnet people who are open enough to also admit that they once thought like me in that they are straight and would never entertain such thoughts, but it does not make you "gay" having these thoughts about possibly pleasuring a woman with two guys getting into the throws of passions and touching or helping the other guy pleasure the lady of choice.

Then again maybe it is just the way I have been inclined to think lately.
There is also that sort of sub/dom releationship in there with this sort of encounter also where the one guy is sort of humilated into doing things that he would not normaly enter into perhaps. Maybe it is this that I yearn so much also.
Who knows, certainly not me thats for sure.

I have not blogged for a while.
I feel I have not had time to do anything to be honest but when I look back I don’t actually know what I have done.

I have had some correspondence with a nice lady whom I have never met but I feel I have known for ages, (if you know what I mean)
To me she feels like she is the one to take me in hand to sort out my passion for some BDSM exploits. She tells me she will treat me the way I feel I want to be treated. I am now quite nervous about it but very excited / turned on ever so much by what we have chatted about so far.

I know what you are all thinking, you are married but for the sake of my marriage I need to do this I feel.
I hope to set a meet soon if possible which will be great if we can make it happen..

I wonder if it is right that after about seven years you get that itch you need to scratch i.e. move on?

I changed my mind on setting up something in the garage to tease my new found submissive with. I had a better idea of putting her in the car with minimal clothes on which could be pulled open to expose her body as I saw fit. My car was good for this with as it has the blacked out windows where nobody can seen in unless they are really trying to hard. I head back up to the shower where she is kneeling beside the running shower. I tell her I am to have a shower now and when I get out I want her dressed in a loose fitting skirt which can be easily removed and a blouse top with no underwear either. She looks at me dieing to ask why she had to wear such clothes, but she dared not to. I had all ready parked my car in the garage now ready for me to put her in it when I got out the shower. I tell her to get dressed and wait at the garage door for me, she then crawls away in her hands and knees as before. Once I get out the shower I am quite hard again at the thought of having someone to do as I tell her and as I want her to do it!! I get dressed and head down to find her in a loose long skirt with a black blouse with buttons up the front kneeling at the garage door on the hard tiles as I had asked her. I tell her we will be going for a run in the car so I tell her to get up on her feet and get in the passenger seat of the car. Once she is in I tell her to place her hands behind the seat and clasp them there to which she does. I then get in the back and lock on the handcuffs round her wrists to which I here her gasp, what if you are stopped or something. We wont I tell her. I get out the back and open the garage door and get in and drive the car out and close the door again. It is a nasty winter?s day so it is very dark all ready so once we get out on to the back road heading for the woods I reach across and rip open her blouse to which she can not stop me, all though she does protest, and her face is now beaming with redness. As I drive I lean over and take a handful of her tit and squeeze on it to make her wince a little until I get the desired effect I am looking for from her. She hates this exposure in-case someone sees her exposed tits, but I know I have placed the seat so far back nobody can see in to the car, but she does not know that for sure. Once I enter the forest track I can see the relief in her face that there is less chance of someone seeing her now which is just as well for what I am intending to do next. I go so far in to the woods and park the car just of the track, so it can not be seen from the road. I then push my seat right back and turn to her. I do not say anything I just admire her tits all exposed and out there!! I take my time to pinch her nipples one after the other until they are so hard and aroused, that she can not help but like it. I then lean and bit on them gently to start with and then I get a bit harder on them until she says ouch!! but of course she can not release her hands to push me away or stop me. I then proceed to pull at her loose skirt then and pull it up to expose her pussy but off course she has her legs tightly closed. I tell her to open them which she does but not willingly. I then know what I have to do, I reach into the back for some rope which I proceed to tie her legs back to the seat runners so she can not close them if she feels threatened. So I now have her with her legs bound open her hands cuffed behind the seat I then start to rub my finger up and down her naked pussy and once it gets wet I rub it over her lips which I know she hates to think it is her own pussy juice she is tasting. I insert my finger into her pussy as I pinch on her nipples to her discomfort and pleasure. Once I have her moaning and enjoying the pleasure and pain I then pull my finger out her pussy and stick it right down her throat so she has to taste herself. I dart back and forth between her pussy and her mouth with my fingers and then I stop and get out the car to her fear. I close the door and she has no idea what I am doing. This time I am going to her door and open it and she is hit with the cold of the wintry air on her naked body. I leave the door open and sink my head between her legs and start to lick her pussy from top to bottom. I stop and look into her eyes after a few minutes and ask if she likes it to which she gasp, yes Master I do. Her nipples are as hard as rocks now with the cold air hitting them so I take a bite of them in turn before I go back to licking her pussy and probing it with my finger. I have her so close to an orgasm I all of a sudden stop and leave her naked and cold in the seat with the door wide open. I am so turned on myself I find it hard to leave her like this but it is all for her own good.

 

Things were turned on there head this time when I arrived home.

As I arrived in town I received a text saying that all the decisions would be made by me this time, which I did not understand initially. I immediately text back asking what she was talking about? The answer came straight back I am your’s to do with as you please, my safe word is “Orion” and that was all the text said. I understood as soon as she had written safe word.

But I did not understand her giving up all control on this occasion. But who was I to argue, I had never been allowed to switch with her and be in control of what we were doing.

I grasped my chance there and text her back to ensure she was in a black bra and thong kneeling behind the door when I arrived back with a collar fastened around her neck and lead attached.

She text back and said I am ready for you Sir, that reply in itself had me excited all ready.

I arrived in the drive and jumped from the car only to catch a glimpse of her passing the kitchen door rushing to get behind the front door.

As I placed my key in the lock I could see her behind the glass of the door. I was now full of excitement. Once I opened the door I turned my back to her and closed the door and locked it from the inside. I turned and looked at her she had everything in place I had instructed her to have. She was on her knees and hands with her lead dangling from her collar and she had on a thin black thong and a black bra. I said to her that she had done well to be there with all I had asked of her. But she would be punished for not being there from the time she had told me that she was. She questioned me on this as to why Sir?

I told her I had seen her passing the kitchen door getting to the front door before I had got there. She said no Sir you must be mistaken, it was then I bent and pulled the lead up and pulled her across the floor to me with one hand I made her look up at me from her knees and I pulled her bra down over from her left nipple and I started to pinch it. Again I said to her that I would punish her as she was not behind the door as I arrived. As I pinched her nipple harder she conceded that she had not been there and apologised to me. That’s better I said to her I then pulled her bra down from her tits so they were totally exposed.

I had never had this control before but I liked it very much. I just wondered how far I could go with her as she had never been the submissive one before.

 

Now she had her tits exposed I dragged on the lead for her to follow me through the house to the bedroom, I had her pulled tight by the lead so I could see her size 38 E tits swing backwards and forwards with her movements. This also turned me on immensely knowing that I could have a free reign over them of which had all ways been forbidden of me previously.

As we reached the bedroom I told her to get up on her knees and undo my jeans. As she did dutifully in an instance. I told her I need to come as I had not come in two weeks. So her first use would be to pleasure me until I had come with her using her tongue and mouth. I knew this would degrade her as she never liked to suck me of unless I had just come out of a bath. She hesitated to begin with but I quickly pulled her into my crotch with the lead I could see by the look on her face she did not want to do it as she did not want to open her mouth, so I pulled the lead around to the back of her head and grabbed her hair in my hand as well and then I guided my cock over here lips back and forth and then pushed it in as I pulled her closer to me. Until my six inches was now fully in her mouth. She then placed her hands on my waist then to push herself back from me, I told her to keep her hands by her side, so she dropped them down, but as soon as I pulled out and pushed back in she had them back up again. I pulled her off by the hair and said I told you about your hands now you will have no choice where they are. I dropped the lead and moved over to the bottom drawer of the unit and pulled out a pair of hand cuffs which had been used on me before. I went behind her and grabbed a hand at a time and pulled them behind her back and clicked them together. Now she had no choice but to do as I told her with her hands.

I then spun her round on her knees and grabbed a tit in one hand and forced the head of my cock against her nipple, to which she moaned slightly, whether it be with pain or excitement I did not know or actually care as I was in control for the first time.

I squeezed it harder and harder as I rubbed my cock over it, then I thought to pull her tit to her mouth and forced her head forward to lick the precum from her nipple of which I had just deposited there. Again I knew she did not like licking her own nipples which got me turned on even more. Once she had done it for a little she tried to get more of her own nipple in her mouth to suck, I had often wondered if it were in her head that she should not like it but secretly she did like it and this was where she had no choice but to do it and liked it even more as she had no choice but to do it for me.

I dropped her tit from her reach and pulled her backwards to the bedside where I placed her backwards so she had the nape of her neck resting on the edge of the bed. This was just the right angle for me to fuck her mouth and she could not get away from me. I rubbed my cock over her face and then slipped it in her mouth and out again until my precum was dripping from her mouth. I then started to push in as deep as I could get, she soon got to liking it more and more, until she was sucking for all her life to get more in her mouth, by then I could not hold back any longer and I started to cum, I forced her to swallow the first of it and then I pulled out of her mouth to her coughing, I then let some drip over her face and I took a handful of hair and wiped my cock in it to get the last drips of. I knew this was one thing that would really humiliate her as she did not like the taste of cum and she had to get it of her hands and skin as soon as I ever cum on her before. I stood there and admired my handy work for a few minutes before telling her how she really did like the taste of my cum after all.

My cock had then gone soft after coming so heavily. I need some time to compose myself so I ordered her to get up and I un-cuffed her hands from behind her back to which she said thank you Sir. I told her I needed a shower and she was to go upstairs and get it ready for me.  She turned to walk away to which I shouted her back to me come here!!!

You need to remember you’re please my dear you are my submissive now and as my submissive you are to only move around the house on your hands and knees like the little pet you are. As she turned to get on her knees I slapped her arse very hard so it left a mark, I could hear her make a remark as she crawled away to which I followed her and did it again but to the other cheek. She had then matching marks then. I followed her to the stairs where she started to crawl up them awkwardly but she knew I was watching her every move. As she got to the top I could see her reach behind to smooth her stinging cheek. To which I raced up the stairs only to do it again and again until she kneeled there and did and said nothing. I asked her if she liked it and she answered no Sir to which I did it again from cheek to cheek, until I got the right answer from her.

I told her to run the shower and to wait at the side of it until I was ready to go in it.

She crawled away to do just that. She looked quite a humiliating state really with cum in her hair and dripping on her face and her bra hanging loose around her waist.

I returned down the stairs to get drink and to look in the garage to see what I could set up quickly for her coming back down the stairs.

TBC         

 

Well here I am again I must be at that time of the month again when I am feeling emoitional about my keen interests again. I chat to some people and they are so supportive of my thoughts I just which I could try things out with them, but again I don't have the bottle. I look at different websites and think to myself I am not abnormal for wantign and craving these sorts of sexual desires surely, cause look at the amount of people who are into my kind of stuff.
It is amazingly easy to tell a complete stranger my feelings about domination, but I can't tell my wife!!!!!!! How stupid am I?

One day as a friend tells me, one day. What happens if I die tomorrow, I would regret it for all eternity that I never found someone to try out my desires with.

Recently I have been having cravings for actually carring out some domination rather than having it carried out on me. I just don't know any more is it just because I can't have either maybe that I crave it even more.
Who know? Certainly not me anyway!!!!!!!

Where does all the time go!!!

Here I am looking through my blog thinking to myself did I write all the stuff, it feels like it was years ago. (but the thoughts are so very fresh in my mind)
I have sucumbed to temptation I have looked into the a meeting with a certain person in regards to being used and abused. Offcourse this has been purely a email action at this time!!
I am having the internal feels of guilt, one for just thinking about meeting some one, and two now for actually arranging something.
I have not answered her last main inregards if I am sure I want to meet because I am certainly not sure if I want to!! Inside me tells me I have to to either get these emotions out of my system and try out the experiences to tell me that hey I don't acutally like the real thing compared to the fantasy. But the more worrying thing to me is deep down I think / know I will like the feelings of being humilated and used by another person. Then what do I do to alevaite my following on feelings from there without beingeven more guilty than I feel all ready.

I can't even walk down the street now with out thinking about someone walking past me and saying to myself I bet she is really dominanant behind closed doors! Bet she would be good at putting a collar and lead on me and forcing me to do things for her sexual gratification and of course for my own pleasure as well.

It is very hard to even contemplate cheating as I am very in love with my wife and family.. I don't think I actually have it in me to do it, but then again I never thought I would have it in me to answer some kind of advert either!!!!

I am happy with every other acpect of my life, I jus need to try this out the once is what I keep telling myself but there has to be more is what I am worried about.
Also I could not imagine life alone, away from my family!!!!

Well there you have it my thoughts for the night.
What a dilemma? Then again am I just being plain stuips and need to look at the bigger picture in of my life.........